and i'm not sure if i buy it anymore.This in itself is hard for me to deal with because i grew up in such a religious household. When i was younger not so but i guess the older my mother got or the more unsure she was of things she turned to God. The thing is its not that i don't believe, what i don't believe is my parents way of practicing. When i say parents i mean those who helped develop who i am. My mother prays out of fear, my grandmother prays out of fear, my father prays when its convenient and my godparents do not pray.
I am a good person and i am not tooting my own horn when i say this. It's a fact. What stuck with me i guess you could say is the positive aspects of society. Those that are heavily influenced by faith because you know a lot of people really are dependent on establishing morals this way. Anyway a lot of the things that i retained from when i was younger stems from godparents. The atheists in my family. They have taught me to love differences and unconditionally so and that that love is sustainable. My mother has taught me discipline and fear. I remember praying when i was younger and going through the motions and wiggling extra hard. I remember getting sleepy during qutbah's because they were in Arabic and i did not understand. Everytime my mother translates something for me even if its in a language i do comprehend she stresses the negative aspect. I guess there is little positive to verses that are suppose to instill fear in you.
Religion can be a psychological mind fuck but my faith has taught me some amazing things. I will not renounce it or anything. I just do not believe in the manner my parents do. To them this would mean that i do not believe because i do not practice. But why should i practice out of fear? I want to be able to go to a Masjid and not fall asleep. My mother ordered me to go with her to the Masjid tomorrow. Which in my mind is an automatic hell no. First because telling me you promised people that i would be there without asking me does not make me want to go anywhere. Secondly I don't want to awake at 11am and fall asleep in a place that is not as comfortable as my own room. Third i am too fucking old to be told what to do. She had the nerve to tell me that she let me go out with my friends and therefore i am obligated to go with her to the Masjid. Apparently i refused to go tonight...i was not asked but if i was i would have refused. That is all she got correct. Also my birthgiver had the nerve to tell me that i have to go because my grandmother is leaving for New Jersey soon and i will not see her in a while. Fuck that, i don't see what that has anything to do with going to a Mosk. I don't want to go and i don't see why she feels the need to force me to do stupid things like that. I even told her that i would not be receptive to the lecture because its not done out of my free will. I'll fall asleep because i don't give a shit.
Also while im on this rant my grandmother whenever she sees me praying AFTER YELLING AT ME for such a long fucking time tells me that she loves me and that God loves me and that how i should try to be closer to God. She constantly mentions how God is my friend and i should embrace him more or some weird figurative shit. The figurative message gets lost in translation but it sounds just as strange when not translated.
So to end this rant it is 3:38am. I am exhausted, sleepy, a little delirious and not in the mood for a religion. I refuse to wake up early.
